My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
