took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
