i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
