friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
