you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
