is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
