If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
