Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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