I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
