Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
