i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
