Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
