he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
