when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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