the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
