If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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