He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
