My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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