Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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