You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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