I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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