Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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