At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
