You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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