you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
