I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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