I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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