im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
