I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
