I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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