Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
