so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
