apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Randomize
