I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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