put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
