i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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