but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
