No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
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