Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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