I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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