he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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