I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
