She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
