Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
