wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
