When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
