Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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