I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
