My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
