remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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